But
honestly, everyday is a struggle, an example of the AA adage a day at a time.
I know I have much to be thankful about, I have been extremely lucky, maybe that
is part of the problem. But as of today, that is where I am. Best of luck to anyone
who reads this, if I can help anyone in anyway, please don’t hesitate to email
me.
Its
been a over a year since I last posted. All is good. I want to update a couple
of things I think important
In
my post one year visit to my urology group, I was passed on to a different doctor.
He took a look at my info, and told me that I was in fact of Gleason 9 and not
7. I had not discussed the post op biopsy with the doctors before. A little over
5% of my tumor was Gleason 5, which upped my score. This caused me considerable
consternation.
I
wanted to mention this because my tumor was right at the edge I barely had clean
margins. If I had waited at all, I scheduled the surgery as soon as I could after
the initial biopsy. I think I wouldn't be here today writing this, the Gleason
5 cells would have been out of the box.
I
write this to stress the danger of delaying further treatment if you are younger
than 65 with a Gleason score of 7 or above. I first thought I was a 7 and was
really a 9, the mortality tables are much different. Although if I had known the
8 week wait for surgery after the biopsy results came in would have been far more
nerve wracking. So maybe all turned out for the best. Although it still gives
me the shivers to think I was carrying Gleason 5 cells, if my PSA ever comes back
with a +0 reading I think I maybe in huge trouble.
Its
now May of 2008. I just had my blood drawn and presume I am >0 but 3 years out
this still creates anxiety. Every time I have a blood test I insist the lab mail
me a copy of the results and not just to my physician.
It's
a distant anxiety, not really pressing, but its still there. I really wonder if
it is ever going to go away.
The
reason I am updating is I want to briefly muse on the process of aging. As noted
earlier I am an athlete, in better shape now than when I first posted, because
I have add yoga to my routine. I can't recommend doing Yoga more strongly for
anyone, especially someone confronting and recovery from a life changing disease
like cancer. Done right with the right teacher, Yoga brings peace, equanimity,
clearer focus, there are a myriad of benefits. I don't wish to sound preachy,
of course this is just my opinion, but this site is about shared experiences all
of which are relative.
Cancer
has become just one of many health issues I am confronting as I age. 6 months
ago I learned I had glaucoma which means daily eye drops for the rest of my life.
Last month I had a wicked attack of diverticulitis, which was extremely painful
until I got diagnosed by a CT scan and fed antibiotics for 2 weeks. In looking
up the causes of the disease there were only three, lack of fiber in your diet,
lack of exercise or age. It surely wasn't the latter two so it was simply age.
The CT scan I had for this revealed "significant calcification of left anterior
descending coronary artery". A stress test and more diagnostic work is scheduled
next week. I have no idea what this is going to led to. Again the cause is simply
age. I am only 56.
The
prostate cancer was the first great insult to my body that I had ever suffered.
The last three years has seemed like one new event after another, with little
let up in between. My experience with the cancer has inured or hardened me so
I can more readily take each new blow in stride. And that's what aging is looking
like right now, a continuing series of insults and indignities.
I
desperately long for a year or so free from further bad news, from new disease,
I just want to feel healthy and reasonably normal for a longish period of time.
I am trying not to grow depressed by the potential realization that this is not
going to happen. That here on out is going to be a near constant parade of one
thing after another.
But
hey, if you are reading this, we're all still alive. And that is all, in the end,
that really matters.
shanti/peace
chris
m
In
the last year there have been a couple of developments worth mentioning. In the
months after my initial surgery, open not robotic because I had a couple of hernias
repaired at the same time, I noticed that my left testicle was significantly enlarged
and the tissue surrounding it in the scrotum was swollen. For the next two years
it remained the same, it was not really bothersome, I discussed it with my urologist
in each check, and we decided just to leave it alone. Then last spring 2008, the
swelling increased and the testicle became painful. I went to see my urologist,
and he said I had epididymitis, an infection/inflammation of the epididymis which
is the tissue surrounding and supporting the testicle. The usual treatment for
this is antibiotics. I did two rounds-60 days of Leviquin with no relief. The
next step is an epididymectomy which is the surgical removal of the epididymis
which I had done at the end of last year.
I
realize this is rather arcane. I never knew such body parts existed. But, this
was a definitely a post prostatectomy condition and I make mention of it here
because some one else might develop it and not have the faintest idea what is
going on. It is relatively rare. But it is painful, and for me, psychologically,
adding insult to injury. As I previously mentioned I am, or perhaps was, a tournament
tennis player. I lost last season to the epididymitis, it was just to painful
to play with a swollen infected scrotum. And this season I ripped some knee ligaments
which required surgery from which I am still recovering.
Sorry
to bitch but this is getting old. I seem to be in a surgery a year mode. But,
I keep telling myself that I lived very hard, inflicted a lot of abuse on my body,
and I was going to have to pay my dues sooner or later. I guess its sooner. I
am trying to make peace with aging, with the fact that my body can't do what it
once did athletically, and sexually, which is still hard to cope with four years
post surgery. I am not enduring this as gracefully as I thought I would. It is
a constant depressing struggle. And yea, I know, the cancer didn't kill me, I
should look at the bright side, I do, but there are times when that is not quite
enough, and I get pissed off, and wish all this had never happened.
shanti
chris
.